My last post

So it's over. We went to the hearing and crossed the t's and dotted the i's. In about 10 days we will be officially divorce. I started this blog as a way to vent my feelings so I didn't bottle them up and have a heart attack. So far, so good. Well now that this is over I'm going to stop posting here. Mainly because she sees what I write and now no longer has the privilege to know what's going on in my personal life. She lost that when she decided to walk away. Most of you follow me on Facebook, so if I have something long winded that won't fit in the status bar, I will make a note for you all to read. I never dreamed so many of you would take interest in my story. I have had close to 1,500 views of my blog, and for that I thank you. Feel free to hit me up if you want to know what's happening. Goodbye Past, Hello Future!

Confidence

Tonight I was invited to a party from a friend of a friend that I haven't seen in years. It was awesome. At first I was nervous because I didn't know anyone there. But as the night went on, and the more I drank, I realized that this was the best thing. Nobody knew what was going on in my life. To them, my name was Dan and that's all they knew. They learned about me from that point on from what I said. I didn't have to talk about what was going on. Then there was this girl......so pretty. And my friend laid the groundwork for me. I haven't asked a girl out in over 10 years. Even drunk with my inhibitions lowered, I was super nervous. The worst that could happen was she says no. It took a while for me to make my way over to her. She had a guy friend with her so I didn't want to go up to her when he was around. I finally made my move, but totally drew a blank on what to say after the name introduction. Then he came back and sat between us.....denied. I'm going to have to work really hard on my confidence. But the thing is, I don't want to lie to a woman I'm out on a date with. And being 30, living at home, and divorced, I don't see that helping my cause with women. Now granted, I'm not looking for something super serious since my marriage is ending soon. I don't know. I guess I just need to let things happen and see what happens. I take a girl out, and worst case I make a new friend. I need to go to sleep. I'm going to regret this in the morning. I haven't drank this much....well ever! Hopefully this all makes sense!

I can't control this.

Most of the anger I have experienced in the past six months has come from circumstances I can't control. The first obviously being my wife leaving me. And I'm not actually mad at her leaving me. It was her breaking up the family. But that was her choice and I can't control it. I have come a long way with this situation and I've been a lot better with it in the last few months.

Then there is the DNA lady. She was easy to get a hold of and communicate with before we did the paternity test. Now I haven't heard from her since. And after the divorce being delayed twice now, you better believe I've been pissed. But, if she doesn't want to call me back, it's out of my control. I have made enough attempts that I'm not going to let it upset me anymore. Everyone else I talk to it about is upset, and they can't seem to understand why I'm not.

Then there is the lady who is working our case. She hasn't been very helpful since day one. She doesn't have the answers I'm looking for and rarely calls me back when she says she will. Once again,
if she doesn't want to call me back, it's out of my control. I'm only going to call one more time before the hearing to see if the DNA results have came back.

Then there is my parents. I think they want me to meet a girl like my brother did when he was living there and move out. Well I'm sick of living there to guys but that's not going to happen! I'm either moving out next month or April. They still want to be my parents and try to tell me how to live my life. I understand, I'm sure I would be the same way. But I need supportive friends, not parents. Whenever they tell me how to live my life now, I just smile and say "you're right." I can't control them wanted to tell me how to live my life. This is only temporary and soon I won't have to hear it almost every day.

Now for some humor, see below what I look like when I lose my cool over things I can't control. And then how I feel after taking a Xanax (Goosfraba).

An unwanted trip down memory lane....

Last night I had a company meeting in Fishers. It didn't occur to me until I was heading that way that I was going to pass the old familiar areas from when we lived there.

The year we spent in Fishers was the hardest year on our relationship. I had taken a position in Anderson for our company and was living in Greenwood. We both thought it would be neat to move away from family and friends and try something new. Turns out that was the dumbest idea we ever had!

We moved up there and found a great apartment. I could barely afford it, but it is still to this day the best apartment I have lived in. But we had problems. Even moving closer to Anderson did not give us enough gas money to see our family and friends. Owen was only around four months old and we were still clueless on what we were doing. She also wasn't working for awhile up there making money even tighter. So there we were, stuck in Fishers with no one around, trying to raise our boy alone.
Things got bad. I lost my management position. I had to sell my favorite guitar and my amp. I tried to have a one night stand with our neighbor. Her and I needed space from each other from time to time, or at least a night out. but that didn't happen. I actually looked into lawyers for a divorce. I almost killed myself. It was a dark year.

I begged and pleaded to get out of Anderson and finally went to a site down in Greenwood. We moved back down there and everything felt right again. I thought to myself, if we made it through this year, we can make it through anything....

An Unexpecting Gift

I came home to find a letter in the mail. It was from a person who was in my divorce class. I figured they wrote a letter to everyone in the group. Turns out they wanted to give me some money to help with my debt. I'm speechless. I can't believe it. Here's someone going through what I am and they heard my story and felt compelled to help out. Six weeks ago they had no idea who I was and here they are opening their heart to me. It feels great to have something good happen after the last five months of hell!

Fiction vs Reality

I don't know what's going on with me right now. One minute I'm ready to slit my wrists and let all the shit of the last 30 years just disappear. Then the next I think I'm heading in the right direction and everything is going to be okay. I haven't sleep through the night since May, so maybe that has something to do with it. Or that we are so close to getting divorce that I'm just experiencing the "The night is darkest just before the dawn" and I'm getting impatient waiting for the dawn! The biggest thing is that I'm jealous of her current "happiness" she has. I say that because to me it's really Fiction Vs. Realty. Her fiance is doing all the things I did for her when we first started dating, because he doesn't really know the real her. Or maybe he does, and he's okay with that because he himself like mediocrity. But in realty, they will more than likely in up in our position. That's what happens when you get married to someone you don't truly know. Now I know you can say that someday she will get hers or that I shouldn't care. But at the moment I do. For once I'm stuck living in the current than in the future I always had envisioned in my head.

The boy has been acting up a lot lately for both her and I. I figured it was either because of the soon to be divorce or him not being use to his school schedule. Well school has been going on for a month now so I it's not that. He was acting up real bad today. I've asked him several times now what he is acting up and haven't really received a concrete answer. So tonight I asked him if it was because we don't get to see each other every day and he said yes. It broke my fucking heart! I am not in control of this situation that I don't deserve to be in and fucking kills me!

We are suppose to be having our hearing Sept 26th. That is if the results come back. I am going to talk to the court tomorrow and see if they are in. I hate this stupid bitch who took our test. I've left two messages and sent an email and have NEVER heard back. I hope they don't use that bitch ever again. Anyway, I hope to fucking god this will be it. I want this over more than anything in the world!

Divorce & Beyond: Session Four & Five - Anger

Hulk aint got nothing on me! This week was Anger. Which happens to be my middle name. I was pretty much always angry at her. I couldn't understand how she could sit there and watch TV or get on Facebook when the house was a mess, and I would be studying the rest of the night after working then coming home and playing with my boy. I had no free time. She had plenty.

Question one was: What made you the most angry when you realized your marriage was breaking up? For me, it was all the effort I was putting in for our family. I started going back to school, not because I wanted to, but because I knew I was going to be the main source of income, and I had to get a degree to make enough money for us to survive. Now, I'm having troubles concentrating this semester. Mainly because of the situation I am in, but because know I don't feel like doing it. I know I need to so that I can better myself still for my son and future partner. But the drive just isn't there. I also started to pay more attention to her after we had a long talk. I know I was neglecting her but I had to make sure I was doing well in school. So I would come home and give her a extra long embrace and more kisses. I'd take five or ten minutes at night to cuddle and give her that needed physical contact. All of that didn't matter, as I now know, as she was thinking of someone else!

Question two was: How did you handle your anger? Well, a lot of it I bottled up, because that's what our family does. I talked to her on the phone at one point. She said what she needed to say to me when she was leaving so now it was my turn. I don't remember a lot of what I said, but it was pretty, and it didn't make me feel any better. I've also been unleashing the stored up anger at time when I shouldn't. A copier jam can now lead to a meltdown. Fantasy of killing someone for doing something stupid are very common.

Question three was: Who are you angry at now? We took a few minutes to write down our answers. Sad thing was, it was easier for me to tell you who I wasn't angry at then those who I was angry with. And it took me into some deep thought.....
     After my mother died, I was unaware of what was going on. At nine, I just saw it as she was going away for a while and that was it. So it was my father, brother, sister, and I. My sister was kicked out not long after because she became pregnant as a teenager. Then my brother was kicked out for reasons I'd rather not say. Then it was my father and I. And I didn't see him much. And during this time, he was dating my step-mother. Then they became engaged and married. During this time, I can remember being angry more than I was happy. And then when we all moved in together, it only got worse. We had to eat together every night at the dinner table. All they would do is talk about how everyone at their work was stupid and just bitch, bitch, bitch. It would make me very angry. That went on for four years until I finally left one day. You think that twelve years later, I would have dropped all that anger and negativity and finally be happy. But that never happened. I would pretty much do the same thing with my wife and child at the dinner table. I guess I could never shake being angry and I need to figure out what I can do to beat it.

We talked more about anger in session five. We discussed the different roles one takes when dealing with anger. Mine was the cornered person. Cornered people learn as a child that showing and expressing anger meant getting sent to bed, to another room, or to a corner. My father was allowed to express his anger all he wanted. But if I spoke up about something, not even in a talking back way, I was told to walk away. In this category was too variation on the cornered person. A drowner, who tried to dull their anger with alcohol or drugs. And Self-Destroyers, who take their enormous bag of emotion and allow it to bury them. I did my share of drugs to try and numb the pain and anger. But the problems are always there when you sober up. And I had plenty of meltdowns as a teenager from having to hold in my feelings in my house. Luckily I had good friends and good people with me when they occurred.

I feel I have been doing better with my anger by communicating with the people who are causing my anger. I would never confront someone I was angry with before. I have a couple of times now. This is something that will take a long time to get under control. And the biggest challenge will be getting over my anger at her for breaking up our family. It will happen some day. But when......