Goodbye Past, Hello Future

My last post

2011-10-24T16:41:00.000-07:00

So it's over. We went to the hearing and crossed the t's and dotted the i's. In about 10 days we will be officially divorce. I started this blog as a way to vent my feelings so I didn't bottle them up and have a heart attack. So far, so good. Well now that this is over I'm going to stop posting here. Mainly because she sees what I write and now no longer has the privilege to know what's going on in my personal life. She lost that when she decided to walk away. Most of you follow me on Facebook, so if I have something long winded that won't fit in the status bar, I will make a note for you all to read. I never dreamed so many of you would take interest in my story. I have had close to 1,500 views of my blog, and for that I thank you. Feel free to hit me up if you want to know what's happening. Goodbye Past, Hello Future!

Confidence

2011-10-22T22:30:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was invited to a party from a friend of a friend that I haven't seen in years. It was awesome. At first I was nervous because I didn't know anyone there. But as the night went on, and the more I drank, I realized that this was the best thing. Nobody knew what was going on in my life. To them, my name was Dan and that's all they knew. They learned about me from that point on from what I said. I didn't have to talk about what was going on. Then there was this girl......so pretty. And my friend laid the groundwork for me. I haven't asked a girl out in over 10 years. Even drunk with my inhibitions lowered, I was super nervous. The worst that could happen was she says no. It took a while for me to make my way over to her. She had a guy friend with her so I didn't want to go up to her when he was around. I finally made my move, but totally drew a blank on what to say after the name introduction. Then he came back and sat between us.....denied. I'm going to have to work really hard on my confidence. But the thing is, I don't want to lie to a woman I'm out on a date with. And being 30, living at home, and divorced, I don't see that helping my cause with women. Now granted, I'm not looking for something super serious since my marriage is ending soon. I don't know. I guess I just need to let things happen and see what happens. I take a girl out, and worst case I make a new friend. I need to go to sleep. I'm going to regret this in the morning. I haven't drank this much....well ever! Hopefully this all makes sense!

I can't control this.

2011-10-10T09:28:00.000-07:00

Most of the anger I have experienced in the past six months has come from circumstances I can't control. The first obviously being my wife leaving me. And I'm not actually mad at her leaving me. It was her breaking up the family. But that was her choice and I can't control it. I have come a long way with this situation and I've been a lot better with it in the last few months.

Then there is the DNA lady. She was easy to get a hold of and communicate with before we did the paternity test. Now I haven't heard from her since. And after the divorce being delayed twice now, you better believe I've been pissed. But, if she doesn't want to call me back, it's out of my control. I have made enough attempts that I'm not going to let it upset me anymore. Everyone else I talk to it about is upset, and they can't seem to understand why I'm not.

Then there is the lady who is working our case. She hasn't been very helpful since day one. She doesn't have the answers I'm looking for and rarely calls me back when she says she will. Once again,
if she doesn't want to call me back, it's out of my control. I'm only going to call one more time before the hearing to see if the DNA results have came back.

Then there is my parents. I think they want me to meet a girl like my brother did when he was living there and move out. Well I'm sick of living there to guys but that's not going to happen! I'm either moving out next month or April. They still want to be my parents and try to tell me how to live my life. I understand, I'm sure I would be the same way. But I need supportive friends, not parents. Whenever they tell me how to live my life now, I just smile and say "you're right." I can't control them wanted to tell me how to live my life. This is only temporary and soon I won't have to hear it almost every day.

Now for some humor, see below what I look like when I lose my cool over things I can't control. And then how I feel after taking a Xanax (Goosfraba).

An unwanted trip down memory lane....

2011-09-29T16:40:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a company meeting in Fishers. It didn't occur to me until I was heading that way that I was going to pass the old familiar areas from when we lived there.

The year we spent in Fishers was the hardest year on our relationship. I had taken a position in Anderson for our company and was living in Greenwood. We both thought it would be neat to move away from family and friends and try something new. Turns out that was the dumbest idea we ever had!

We moved up there and found a great apartment. I could barely afford it, but it is still to this day the best apartment I have lived in. But we had problems. Even moving closer to Anderson did not give us enough gas money to see our family and friends. Owen was only around four months old and we were still clueless on what we were doing. She also wasn't working for awhile up there making money even tighter. So there we were, stuck in Fishers with no one around, trying to raise our boy alone.
Things got bad. I lost my management position. I had to sell my favorite guitar and my amp. I tried to have a one night stand with our neighbor. Her and I needed space from each other from time to time, or at least a night out. but that didn't happen. I actually looked into lawyers for a divorce. I almost killed myself. It was a dark year.

I begged and pleaded to get out of Anderson and finally went to a site down in Greenwood. We moved back down there and everything felt right again. I thought to myself, if we made it through this year, we can make it through anything....

An Unexpecting Gift

2011-09-21T18:27:00.000-07:00

I came home to find a letter in the mail. It was from a person who was in my divorce class. I figured they wrote a letter to everyone in the group. Turns out they wanted to give me some money to help with my debt. I'm speechless. I can't believe it. Here's someone going through what I am and they heard my story and felt compelled to help out. Six weeks ago they had no idea who I was and here they are opening their heart to me. It feels great to have something good happen after the last five months of hell!

Fiction vs Reality

2011-09-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's going on with me right now. One minute I'm ready to slit my wrists and let all the shit of the last 30 years just disappear. Then the next I think I'm heading in the right direction and everything is going to be okay. I haven't sleep through the night since May, so maybe that has something to do with it. Or that we are so close to getting divorce that I'm just experiencing the "The night is darkest just before the dawn" and I'm getting impatient waiting for the dawn! The biggest thing is that I'm jealous of her current "happiness" she has. I say that because to me it's really Fiction Vs. Realty. Her fiance is doing all the things I did for her when we first started dating, because he doesn't really know the real her. Or maybe he does, and he's okay with that because he himself like mediocrity. But in realty, they will more than likely in up in our position. That's what happens when you get married to someone you don't truly know. Now I know you can say that someday she will get hers or that I shouldn't care. But at the moment I do. For once I'm stuck living in the current than in the future I always had envisioned in my head.

The boy has been acting up a lot lately for both her and I. I figured it was either because of the soon to be divorce or him not being use to his school schedule. Well school has been going on for a month now so I it's not that. He was acting up real bad today. I've asked him several times now what he is acting up and haven't really received a concrete answer. So tonight I asked him if it was because we don't get to see each other every day and he said yes. It broke my fucking heart! I am not in control of this situation that I don't deserve to be in and fucking kills me!

We are suppose to be having our hearing Sept 26th. That is if the results come back. I am going to talk to the court tomorrow and see if they are in. I hate this stupid bitch who took our test. I've left two messages and sent an email and have NEVER heard back. I hope they don't use that bitch ever again. Anyway, I hope to fucking god this will be it. I want this over more than anything in the world!

Divorce & Beyond: Session Four & Five - Anger

2011-09-05T18:41:00.000-07:00

Hulk aint got nothing on me! This week was Anger. Which happens to be my middle name. I was pretty much always angry at her. I couldn't understand how she could sit there and watch TV or get on Facebook when the house was a mess, and I would be studying the rest of the night after working then coming home and playing with my boy. I had no free time. She had plenty.

Question one was: What made you the most angry when you realized your marriage was breaking up? For me, it was all the effort I was putting in for our family. I started going back to school, not because I wanted to, but because I knew I was going to be the main source of income, and I had to get a degree to make enough money for us to survive. Now, I'm having troubles concentrating this semester. Mainly because of the situation I am in, but because know I don't feel like doing it. I know I need to so that I can better myself still for my son and future partner. But the drive just isn't there. I also started to pay more attention to her after we had a long talk. I know I was neglecting her but I had to make sure I was doing well in school. So I would come home and give her a extra long embrace and more kisses. I'd take five or ten minutes at night to cuddle and give her that needed physical contact. All of that didn't matter, as I now know, as she was thinking of someone else!

Question two was: How did you handle your anger? Well, a lot of it I bottled up, because that's what our family does. I talked to her on the phone at one point. She said what she needed to say to me when she was leaving so now it was my turn. I don't remember a lot of what I said, but it was pretty, and it didn't make me feel any better. I've also been unleashing the stored up anger at time when I shouldn't. A copier jam can now lead to a meltdown. Fantasy of killing someone for doing something stupid are very common.

Question three was: Who are you angry at now? We took a few minutes to write down our answers. Sad thing was, it was easier for me to tell you who I wasn't angry at then those who I was angry with. And it took me into some deep thought.....
After my mother died, I was unaware of what was going on. At nine, I just saw it as she was going away for a while and that was it. So it was my father, brother, sister, and I. My sister was kicked out not long after because she became pregnant as a teenager. Then my brother was kicked out for reasons I'd rather not say. Then it was my father and I. And I didn't see him much. And during this time, he was dating my step-mother. Then they became engaged and married. During this time, I can remember being angry more than I was happy. And then when we all moved in together, it only got worse. We had to eat together every night at the dinner table. All they would do is talk about how everyone at their work was stupid and just bitch, bitch, bitch. It would make me very angry. That went on for four years until I finally left one day. You think that twelve years later, I would have dropped all that anger and negativity and finally be happy. But that never happened. I would pretty much do the same thing with my wife and child at the dinner table. I guess I could never shake being angry and I need to figure out what I can do to beat it.

We talked more about anger in session five. We discussed the different roles one takes when dealing with anger. Mine was the cornered person. Cornered people learn as a child that showing and expressing anger meant getting sent to bed, to another room, or to a corner. My father was allowed to express his anger all he wanted. But if I spoke up about something, not even in a talking back way, I was told to walk away. In this category was too variation on the cornered person. A drowner, who tried to dull their anger with alcohol or drugs. And Self-Destroyers, who take their enormous bag of emotion and allow it to bury them. I did my share of drugs to try and numb the pain and anger. But the problems are always there when you sober up. And I had plenty of meltdowns as a teenager from having to hold in my feelings in my house. Luckily I had good friends and good people with me when they occurred.

I feel I have been doing better with my anger by communicating with the people who are causing my anger. I would never confront someone I was angry with before. I have a couple of times now. This is something that will take a long time to get under control. And the biggest challenge will be getting over my anger at her for breaking up our family. It will happen some day. But when......

Divorce & Beyond: Session Three - Stress

2011-08-16T19:04:00.000-07:00

Stress.....do I have stress? You bet your ass I do! Everyone has something to stress about. I'm definitely stressed, but it seems it's worse than I thought. We did an exercise called Life Change Index Scale. You might have seen this before. It lists events and scores for you to add up if you've experienced these in the last 12 months. I scored a 306. That is a Major Life Crisis Level with an 80% chance of physical illness from stress. Yikes! Some highlights from the scale:

Son or daughter leaving home - This is very bad for me. Owen was my stress reliever. No matter how bad the day I had at work, coming home to him yelling daddy and running to give me a big hug was my stress relief! Now I get my parents, who want to tell me what to do our bitch about the people they work with.
Major change in living conditions - Yea, living at home again was something I NEVER EVER thought would happen again. You see, all she did was replace me in her life, other than that she still has Owen and an apartment and partner to live with. Meanwhile, I have no wife, no son, no apartment!
Major change in sleeping habits - God what I wouldn't give to sleep through the night!! First of all, I don't want to sleep. When I get stressed or depressed, I'm no the sleeping tight, but I was I was! I hear in the group about people who sleep all day long. I wish I could! Instead, my mind is racing with thoughts of the shit I'm dealing with. Then, I wake up several times at night. Sometime to pee. Mostly only to look at the clock, let out a sigh, flip the pillow, then go back to sleep. Then on weekends when I don't have Owen, I can't sleep in! I have the room darkened, but my body still tries to get up at the same time as the work week. I toss and turn then finally get up around 10am. I feel better knowing that other people in the group have troubles sleeping through the night.

Anxiety is one of the primary contributors to stress. I've been dealing with anxiety for over 10 years. And this divorce is making it difficult to control. The book states situations that trigger my anxiety perfectly:

The loss of a secure life - Everything was exactly how it was suppose to be. I had a wife and we were raising our son. I was not in doubt that this was going to change when it did.
The loss of even more control - I'm not going to lie, I like to be in control. And I was in our marriage. But now, I have no control of what is going on, and it's killing me! My life is being put in the hands of a certain county court, who are not treating me very well!
The loss of self esteem - How am I appearing to other people? Are they trying to treat me differently because of my situation? Do they care?
The loss of identity - Who am I anymore? Now I have to get anxious about relating to new women and having to adjust to unfamiliar feelings, thinking, and actings.

Divorce & Beyond: Session Two

2011-08-14T16:55:00.000-07:00

This week was a tough week. We talked about self-image. I was asked how was my self image before I met my partner. Back then, my self-image was good. I was only 22 and in a popular local band, and in an apartment with two roommates. I still felt good about myself until she told me nine months into our pregnancy that she didn't wear a condom with the guy. Since then, I felt like I wasn't living for myself, I was living for my son. I didn't care what I looked like. Why should I? We didn't marry each other for love. It took me doing something with my life like going back to school to get me to give a shit about myself.

But now, my self esteem is low. Now that I have to worry about how I look, I don't like myself. My hair is too thin, I have WAY too many moles, I still get large pimples on my face. I worry the next girl who sees my penis will think it's small. I don't feel like I'm manly enough for a woman to like me. I don't work out. I don't know how to work on a car. I can't cook. I'm emotional. I really believe one of the reasons she left me was because of these things.

Divorce & Beyond: Session One

2011-08-04T18:45:00.000-07:00

Tuesday I started my divorce class. I was afraid I would be the youngest one there and I was correct. Four of the people could be my parents and one could be my grandparent! Still, it was nice to hear their stories and no that no matter the age, people can experience the same pain.

A divorce is a type of death. It's the death of a relationship. Therefore, I am going through the similar processes one goes through when a loved one dies. My death was a "sudden death." We had a fight about a month before she left me, but I didn't see a separation coming. Yet as I reflect back, it could also be looked at as a lingering death. I think about how I use to come home and give her a hug. But now it feels like it was just us going through the motions.

Now is considered the mourning period: pain, anger, failure, rejection and possibly helplessness. Pain is mostly gone, anger is starting to get under control. Rejection was brief. At first I felt rejected, like she didn't want anything to do with me. And even if that may be true, it doesn't matter. Because if she didn't want me, a man who was going places with his life, then that's her loss. Helplessness I felt during the first two weeks. You see people in a movie crying on the ground in the fetal position, you think "yeah right, life can't get that bad." But it did.

The mourning period will take awhile. I'm not going to fool myself and think I'm over this death in just a couple of months. But so far, it gets better after each month, and that's all I can ask for right now!

You and me, we equal chemistry

2011-07-25T19:12:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but every movie I see now brings out a deeper meaning than I would normally get from it. First was Kung Fu Panda 2 and now Thor. I went to see Thor in 3-D tonight (saw it once in non 3-D). And the thing that stuck out the most was Thor and Jan. The way they would look at each other was so passionate, yet they had no idea who each other really were. Is that not how you should feel with your partner? Is that just a fantasy? I'd love to have a girl look at me that way. That she was so in awe of what and where I was heading in my life. She would just look into my eyes and smile. And the same goes for me with her. I never looked at my soon to be ex-wife like that. Closest I came was when she gave birth to my son. At that moment, I thought things were on the up and up.

Almost there

2011-07-07T15:33:00.000-07:00

So I got a certified letter in the mail that our final hearing is set for next month. We just did the DNA test last Friday, so I don't know if that will be ready before the hearing. Hopefully it will because I'm tired of having to call down there with questions. They don't do well with answering their phone. I've had Owen for the last three weekends. We have had a lot of fun. He seems to be doing well. I'm sure her and I getting along has helped the situation. I've decided to focus the next month on my solo project to help pass time until school starts again. Trying to write an album in a month will be good for me!

Things I should have done.

2011-06-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning was the Greenwood Freedom Festival Parade. I took my son and we had a GREAT time! She usually took him every year while I would stay home and sleep in. During the parade, I had a moment of sadness. I realized that I had been missing out. That I should have been doing this with the family every year. Instead, I would think, "Oh, if they go to that then I can sleep in!" I was being selfish. There are other things like this that maybe if I had done them then things would have been different. Then again, we weren't in love, so wasn't this inevitable?

Let's give peace a chance

2011-06-18T18:10:00.000-07:00

So, I finally hit the breaking point. I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired of being angry 24/7. I did something I never thought I would do. So, I decided to talk to her. I stepped up and asked for us to start over; a clean slate. I wouldn't say bad things about her to friends or online. She would keep her boyfriend out of our situation and she wouldn't throw me anymore curve balls. And so far, this has worked great! We actually talked for about 15 minutes when I dropped my boy off on Tuesday. We even hugged in front of him. I'm hoping that showed him I'm not mad at her anymore. Last week was the best week I had so far. I wasn't angry. I wasn't obsessing over our situation. I hope this continues.

I'm still lonely though. I don't know how I made it that month alone at the apartment. I guess survival instincts kicked in. I've been at my parents for two weeks. They have been in Florida this week and I feel so alone. I'm not anywhere near ready to date again. But it would be great to find a girl who would like to cuddle up and watch a movie together. Do you know someone looking for the same? Send them my way? That's what I miss the most. The physical contact.

Kung Fu Panda 2 was life changing....no, seriously!

2011-06-12T16:54:00.000-07:00

The boy and I went to see Kung Fu Panda 2 yesterday. And surprisingly, it touched me so much. SPOILER ALERT IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT: Basically the bad guy tried to ruin Po's life by separating him from his parents when he was a child. That way he wouldn't be able to stop the bad guy from taking over China. But Po's master put things into perspective for him. You need inner peace. It's not about what happened in the past, it's about how you mold your future. END SPOILER ALERT!

So, I need to focus on the future, which is the point of this blog. but I've been focusing on the past. So, it's going to take some work, but here I go!!

Never Say Never...

2011-05-31T16:45:00.000-07:00

So I am officially moved in with my parents. It is a really weird feeling. It's going to take at least a month before I get a good night's sleep. At least this time around I have a TV in my room! My son slept on the floor the first night. Not technically the floor. He had the cushions from the couch so it was like a bed. The second night he said to me, "Now daddy, since this is my last night with you, can I pretty please sleep in bed with you?" How could I say no to that?!?! So I had a rough night of sleep, but well worth it.

I am getting better at saying goodbye to him when he has to go back. The first couple of times I would come home and cry for awhile. Now I have things under control and he seems to be doing better with leaving as well.

I'm still waiting to hear back about the paternity test. I left a message with the case worker and did not hear back from them. They are off tomorrow, so it'll be at least until Thursday before I hear anything. I'm ready to get this over with!!

Cleaning the memories away

2011-05-23T18:25:00.000-07:00

So this is the last week in the apartment. She got all but one small pile out today. Now its time to start throwing things away and packing up the small stuff. I'm down on my hands and knees cleaning the memories away. Owen spent all but one year of his life in this apartment. I threw away small things that brought back memories.

And then I found the wedding dress. I was contemplating putting it with the small pile she had or burning it. I took the civil route and put it on the pile. It would have been easier if she would have just said no the second time I asked her to marry her. When I told my father I was going to ask her to marry me again, he said I should have just lived with her instead. But of course, I always did the opposite of what my father said and asked her. He's the smartest man I know, and I never listen to him.

I've been served

2011-05-17T17:38:00.000-07:00

So I went to the post office tonight with my son to pick up a certified letter. It was from the Johnson County's clerk office. It was my summons for the divorce. What I don't like about it is the wording. It says, "You have been sued by your spouse for dissolution of your marriage." Sued? That makes it sound like I did something wrong! No sir, I don't like it. And the wording is not very clear on what I need to do. They don't even have a phone number for me to call if there's any questions!

The next step is a DNA test. I need to put my mind to rest that my son is biologically mine. For those of you who don't know, when she & I had sex when we were broken up, she had sex with someone else around the same time. Lesson learned here: I've been fucked twice, it's not going to happen again!

And so it begins

2011-05-16T12:39:00.000-07:00

So for those not in the know, she left me about a month ago. She and my son live with another guy. I am moving back in with my parents at the end of the month. Moving back in with my parents will be a big challenge. I left their house 12 years ago vowing to never return. It's funny how life works out.

So the past month has been a roller coaster ride. Anger, depression, hope, peace, rage. A little bit of everything. I've spent the last month finishing school and recently packing for the big move. I say big move but I really only have a small room full of stuff to move. A lot of stuff is getting thrown away or given to her. I don't want things with memories to bring back emotions I'd rather forget. I never understood why my father had us move when he married my step mother, but now it all makes sense. He needed a fresh start. And that's what I'm doing. Starting over.

Over the last eight years, I have accumulated a lot of debt. Some from me just being young and dumb. Some from not having a partner who could help out with bills. Moving back in with the rents makes sense to get that under control.

I also don't know who I am anymore, besides a father. See, I compromised too much in my marriage. I let her break my spirit and just accept mediocrity. I need to found out who I am and what I stand for before I get back out there in the relationship world.

This soon-to-be divorce is bittersweet. It's nice to have my independence back. I have my bed back where I can spread out and not get woken up at night. But I've also become a "weekend dad." I can't know what's going on during the week over there. But, the time we spend together now is definitely time well spent.

This weekend I'm going to a music festival down in Kentucky called Krazyfest. It's a weekend full of hardcore & punk bands and pre and after parties. I'm going to try and put all of this on the back burner and enjoy myself. Because God knows I deserve it!